I don’t particularly like animals.
Well I suppose that is a bit of a lie.
I don’t particularly like animals if they are not dogs, cats or family pets.
Fido and Felix - fine.
Farm animals and crocodiles - not so fine (and yes, I did just equate farm animals and crocodiles).
So this was exactly the reason why my boss sent myself and my colleague Qasim Peracha out to Kew Little Pigs Farm in Beaconsfield recently.
But even from the start it wasn’t all smooth sailing.
For one, I left my wellington boots at my mum’s and now my expensive Chelsea boots are covered in pig mud.
And secondly I dropped my notepad in the mud, which was made worse when i used the rubber on the end of my pencil without thinking what and where I was rubbing.
So, as you can imagine, I was a bit annoyed.
But I soon cheered up when our tour guide for the day - Olivia Michail, co-owner of the farm - told me that the seven-year-old Boe had been on Britain’s Next Top Model.
I found this unnecessarily hilarious, and then being told that Gizmo had been on Channel 4’s Sunday Brunch with all-girl pop group Little Mix and that Kew the pig had pooed on Gabby Roslin’s shoe only added to my glee.
Yes, I know I shouldn’t laugh. It is childish and immature and my mother would definitely not be impressed.
But sorry mum - I did.
The list of famous people the pigs have met is enormous - along with the previously mentioned celebs, our porky pals have also met the Game of Thrones cast and Princess Anne, among others.
And apparently there is also such a thing as pig racing, which sounds wonderfully intriguing.
Some of them had remarkably human names, such as Nina, Melissa and Gil, not at all what you expect a pig to be called and when asked about this Olivia replied that they had been named after friends.
As you would probably expect of a farm Kew Little Pigs is awash with animals - a chicken coop provides provides organic, free range eggs and visitors can expect to be greeted by Rodney the goat, who was described to me as a ‘joker’.
The farm has also undertaken a selective breeding programme in order to downsize the pigs, which are all a mix of different English breeds.
There was a very visible size difference between the older animals and the younger ones, from the behemoths of father and son team Patrick and Benjamin to little Velvet, who had only recently given birth to seven piglets on our visit.
Speaking of these piglets - yes they look cute but I can attest to the sharpness of their hooves and their dislike of being held by me.
Olivia says that the cost of keeping a pig is a ‘fraction’ of a dog or cat, and that hers are being kept on a high fibre diet to keep their weight down, which sounded like they eat better than I do.
Qasim and myself were also told that pigs themselves are actually very clean and hygienic, although it still didn’t tempt me to get too close. Although that probably says less about them and more about me.
Launched in 2011 in Kew, London, after Olivia’s daughter decided that she wanted a pig, the business has grown from strength to strength.
She tells me they are now considered the largest micro pig breeder in England and they have a number of pigs available for hire for TV, media, school visits, events and parties.
Along with this, not only can people buy them, they can also adopt them in a shared scheme if they are unable to keep one at home.
Animal lovers can also take part in farm visits in one or three hour sessions and can learn all about pig keeping with special courses.
The farm has also teamed up with The Crowne Hotel, Gerrards Cross, and offers a number of luxury visits where people spend time with the oinkers before being whisked off to the hotel spa for pamper sessions.
Visit their website for more information.